For all the things I could have, but didn't say

Often I debate whether waiting is worthwhile and for those who matter, it is. I love that people differ so much, that people’s faces could mean anything. I love that I can’t control what they say or do, I love that people so far from perfect can be flawless. I love the conversations that are so amazingly pointless, I love the moments where it feels you couldn’t ask for anything better, where you can’t remove the smile from your face and where in simple silence you can hear the music. I love that one moment can have you smiling days later. I love that often cliché phrases are the only words that apply. I love when everything is black and white, and I find no grey areas. I love that it feels I know people so well yet somehow they manage to offer me mystery, it’s almost as if I never quite fathomed the depth of each person and never did I understand that with each person comes a thousand secrets and skeletons. While uncertain of what draws me in, I wish I could keep this moment in a bottle. I love that while humanity remains confused I find protection in opportunity, but is this figure a mere dream I have conjured?

You are amazing as you are.

Everyone seems to be hiding behind their cliché personalities, so wrapped up in impressing the masses. I would like to know the moment where being yourself wasn’t good enough, where laughing was considered an outdated emotion and when original people became the minority. Why must society be air brushed? Why do cameras never capture the moment where happiness takes place, instead we see photoshopped fiends and perfect Polaroids. Beauty can be defined by the smile planted on your face, although it may not give you a chizzled jaw and prominent cheek bones it’s truly beautiful I assure you. Pull away from the puppet, relax and don’t be afraid to tell bad jokes, to wear no makeup, to eat with your mouth open it’s okay just promise me this When you’re finished wearing your mask please don’t forget yourself.

Sink or swim

It is no surprise that any train of thought that goes with reason is immediately defeated while the moment is passing. Often it feels like I’m running. Running from reason, I am of my own demise. At times it feels as though fate lay before me and I make dire judgements to chase it, I try to manipulate the path that should run its course; Always seeking the control of my own destiny. I chase this desire until the point where my rose coloured glasses shield any other options and fate slips away. So in hindsight this narrow minded perspective I have lands me on a hill that seems so steep. Its then I realize I’m in far too deep. Forced to sink or swim, avoiding consequence I chose to float away.

The game you can't stop playing

You only know you were winning when you’ve lost and it’s too late. It ruins your life. Someone only has to say “I lost”, “I just remembered” or “the game” and you’re immediately triggered to think about it. You want to stop playing but you can’t. You don’t want to think about it, but you can’t help it. You want it to be over but you can never stop playing. To ruin someone’s life all you must do is introduce them to the game.

You don't need to go somewhere to go away

When I was younger I feared the monsters that lurked in my wardrobe, every night I would cover myself in my sheets and keep my eyes shut until I dropped into an uneasy sleep. Uncertain of what I was afraid of, my seven year old intuition told me that it was something dark and menacing. When this fear would escalate my father would come into my bedroom and comfort me, reassuring me that I was safe. It was this reassurance I now find myself seeking.
As time has passed, I have grown slightly taller and ostensibly more mature and come to the inescapable conclusion that the monsters in my bedroom were a collection of incarnations established based solely in the mind of an imaginative young child manipulating the shadows of the night.
Lately I have been looking through the Polaroids of my upbringing. Photos of a thousand memories. I find it rather astounding how a mere photograph can take you back to your childhood, the other day I stumbled across a photo of my father and I on a typical Sunday. I use to sit on my fathers lap while he would read the Chinese newspapers. Although my father was not bilingual and could not understand an ounce of Chinese, I use to enjoy hearing him make up fictitious stories to match the photos in the paper.
When I think of my dad I think of the house he built with his own hands. Although the house has it’s imperfections it is my dads pride that makes it flawless. Each Saturday I use to tag along to work with my father while he would work various plumbing jobs trying to make money to provide for my family. Never would he allow us to go hungry or in need of anything. As I have grown older, a separation has taken place and we now find our selves having minimal conversations and awkward silences fill the four walls of our living room replacing the once endless laughs. Although my dad has not physically gone away, the man I have grown up to envision my friend has slowly become a somewhat stranger through my eyes and I miss nothing more than the bond we once shared.

Someone far less than mundane

I take each day as it comes and I believe whatever happens, happens. I have decided to start taking risks and I am beginning to realize that often you have nothing to lose and everything to gain; we really need to understand that there are no boundaries and the sky is the limit. Today there is no such thing as normality and often the people who strive to be individual are usually the ones who are found mirroring others. I find humour in hypocrisy and I often wonder what people gain from cloning society. I have no interest in people; they all come across the same, instead I am fascinated in the unknown and I find the impossible so mesmerizing. Beauty isn’t in the eyes of the beholder and today good is never good enough. I often find myself in situations with no recollection of the events in which I got there and just when you think you’re in too deep, it hasn’t even begun. It’s easier if you live with no excuses and love with no regrets. I have not yet found the key to life; however the trick is to stay ahead of the curb. I find satisfaction in the things I need and I have hope in the prospect of better days. Never have I felt comfortable in my own skin. I let the littlest things break me down and I build myself up in complete disappointment. I am a slight pushover and I think you could talk me into just about anything. I am fragile and scared but I opt not to show it. I have few plans and I don’t yet know what I want out of life. I hate the thought that I am disappointing people in the process of my inhibition to seek happiness. I often find myself drawing the short straw, uncertain of what I want I hesitate and always come out second best. I try to keep my friends close and my enemies closer but often the biggest challenge is trying to tell them apart. There is no such thing as a small project, and we are ignorant to think that we can do it alone. Someone’s always judging you and no matter what you do there will always be critics. The biggest misconception in life is that perfection is real. In society you have two choices, to kill or be killed. I spend too much time over analysing things, and often I lose sight of the moment. I spend more money than I earn and I never stick to my plans. Stability is something my life is unfamiliar with and I believe being spontaneous is the key. I’m not one for conforming and I’m okay with being apart of the minority. My biggest secret is when I put on this front, I really do care. I never let people close, and I will never let you win. I like stumbling across unfound treasures and I like discovering treasures I didn’t know I had already found. I tend to stay up all night and sleep all day. I leave everything to the last minute and I never embrace opportunities when they present themselves. The chase is always the best part. In life I am scared of being nothing. Arrogance is a curse, yet somehow ignorance is bliss. In my life I have not learnt many things yet I have discovered that in the end everybody turns out to be the person they swore they'd never become. I find myself broke yet not broken. I am beginning to notice that nothing is as it seems and most people tend to suffer in silence. It’s true that we never feel the heat until we get burnt. I put everything off till tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. In the end everything comes down to fate.

Routine starts to feel just that

I am beginning to find that the run of the mill places I once was so fond of no longer hold my interest and as I begin to see the bigger picture I have lost all interest in the places I once found security in. In a matter of months I have slowly transitioned away from the smoky haunts I use to frequent and over a short period of time my social life has somewhat fallen by the wayside. Although it would seem apparent, it is not as though I have no desire to vacate the house, but in lieu of venturing to a place I’ve seen a thousand times over, filled with people I have minimal interest in spending time with somehow the couch and poor reality shows seem to offer me something slightly more fulfilling.
I am finding it apparent that it is no challenge to become disenchanted. It is easy to analyze the people and places that have not changed slightly over the last couple of years and question the reasons as to why nothing ever changes. It triggers me to wonder whether anyone ever steps outside the lives in which they’ve created for themselves and do something different? It makes me wonder whether people find it easier to follow the path of less resistance and continue to be set in their ways. Where did excitement and creativity go? Though the area has not been a bastion of creativity these last few years I look around and it makes me realize how we have created something from nothing.
For me, it all comes down to my desire for something different and exciting. I’m not after something new or even innovative; I just want a reason to do the things that I once was so fond of. I want something that brings adrenalin and I need that something that will get the blood coursing through my veins.
It’s time for something new.